THE OTHER DAY I was working with a room full of teenagers. We were discussing some of the dumb mistakes we’ve made in our lives, and after the punchline of each particularly bad one, the room erupted into a round of "Oh my gawwwwd"s as we collectively cringed and cracked up.
Eventually, I started to move the conversation somewhere more thoughtful. Wanting them to consider if these mistakes had any lessons or meaning, I offered my own perspective.
“I often feel like some of these things have been for a reason, like— “
And suddenly, there it is, that word— like a fish bone stuck in my throat at a fancy dinner, I try to swallow it but it wants to come up no matter how awkward it’s going to be—
“— God...meant for it to happen."
Did I just say God in front of a room full of drug-using teenagers? Who the fuck am I? Will this negate all the credit I've earned from being into weird Japanese shit and wearing hologram slip-ons? I frantically think. I was raised atheist! This is weird for me, too! I'm not a virgin! I want to scream in the Matrix-worthy slow-mo after-second of my words.
But then, the kids surprise me, as they often do. They just nod and say, “Yeah, I know what you mean.” Then someone says they were glad they got caught, because it led them to get help. Immense relief floods over me as the moment is swept up in the current of conversation and I realize that I didn’t have to resort to discussing my sexuality with 16-year-olds in order to not look like a Jesus Freak.
I KEEP thinking about how weird it was, though, for me to use “God” earnestly, versus casually saying “OMG”. Since I’m going to be using “God” a lot here, it’s worth understanding. I’ve come up with a few explanations:
A) I don’t want to alienate readers who might otherwise connect with my writings. For most of my life, I, like many people, assumed a lot of negative things about what people meant when they said “God”. Because of this, I have tried using all sorts of other words to describe my spiritual experience, anything but the heavy G-word. Eventually, my fear of that word became a hassle and impediment to my journey; I had to accept that “God” was the simplest term for me, personally. I am very aware, then, that others may have their own struggles with that word.
B) I’m hella self-conscious, as usual. I wish I was one of those cool people who doesn’t give a shit about what others think, that I could pretend you thinking I don’t masturbate because I’m afraid of God watching doesn’t matter to me— but it does. If I don’t try to clarify myself, I know I’ll worry about being judged and censor myself. I’m probably going to be judged anyway, but, hey, at least I tried.
C) It's a very traditional word when my views are very untraditional. I don't consider myself Christian, simply because I have many views that overlap with Christianity but also many that don't. So when I use God, there's a lot of unusual and personal things that I know I mean, but not everyone else does.
D) I’m just a noob. Seriously, I only started really using this word 6 months ago. So, maybe this is just my own way of coming to terms with my new status as one of those earnest “God” people.
EITHER WAY, I figure some discussion about what I mean when I say “God” will probably help address all of these. So the next few posts will be quick introductions to 3 metaphors that illustrate how I see God.